Create The Best Me

Why Parenting Adult Kids Is Still Hard

• Carmen Hecox • Episode 142

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Is parenting truly easier once your kids become adults? In this episode, I share my own story of why parenting adult kids is still hard even when they’ve grown into independent, capable people.

I share my experience supporting my adult child through a health crisis, the emotional rollercoaster of letting go of control, and coming to terms with the reality that the parenting role never really ends; it simply evolves. In "Why Parenting Adult Kids Is Still Hard," you’ll hear how I learned to respect boundaries, validate feelings, and nurture a relationship built on trust and open communication.

If you ever find yourself struggling to connect, wanting to fix things, or needing guidance on how to maintain healthy relationships with your grown children, this episode is packed with actionable insights and heartfelt moments.

What You'll Learn:

  • Why parenting adult children can be more complicated and sometimes harder than you expect
  • How to put your child's perspective and feelings first, even when it’s painful
  • The importance of not trying to fix every problem for your adult kids
  • Ways to foster open, honest, and non-judgmental communication
  • How letting go creates space for stronger and lasting family relationships

 Call to Action: 

Have you faced struggles or surprises while supporting your own adult children? 

How do you nurture trust and communication now that the parenting role has changed? Drop your stories and thoughts in the comments! 

Remember to like, share, and SUBSCRIBE to Create The Best Me for honest discussions and tools to live the best version of yourself.

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https://createthebestme.com/ep142 

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How many of you out there think that parenting gets easier as your children get older? I used to think that once my kids became adults, parenting would become so much easier, but in reality, it's not easier, it just changes. As many of you may know, I have two adult children who are incredibly independent children or adult children, and I'm so proud of both of them. And I'm not saying this because I'm their mom. I really am not. And I really am proud of both of them. First of all, to protect the identity of the adult child I'm speaking about today, I will not address them by their sex. So earlier in October, I received an emergency text from my child's spouse who informed me that my child was gravely sick. My child was actually admitted to ICU and was intubated and placed on a ventilator. So I did what any mother would do and get on any available flight to get there. I will be honest with you, before boarding the plane, I experienced multiple panic attacks because I feared the worst. Fortunately, once I arrived, their condition positively changed and they were removed off the ventilator. But after traveling several hours two layovers, my adult child refused to speak to me. And the reason it's not clear, but I insisted on waiting several hours and two and a half days in the ICU waiting room. My child's spouse felt very uncomfortable and sad because they called me in distress to come. The second night, I prayed and I separated myself from my feelings, allowing myself to see things from my adult child's perspective.

I know what you're probably thinking:

how can I see things from another's perspective when I have no idea what the root cause of those feelings are? But what I discovered is that those feelings were real and they belonged to my adult child. When I saw things from my child's perspective, I started to cry. But those tears weren't only mine. They were my child's tears. I felt lonely, scared, powerless because those feelings weren't mine. They belonged to my child. When I began to realize that the emotions I was feeling was theirs, I felt lonely, scared and powerless. Because those feelings weren't really mine, they belonged to my child. I also learned that as a parent of an adult child, I needed to find my own place By understanding my place, I understood that I as a parent, am not supposed to try to fix this problem. If I forced and pushed my way through ignoring that my child's feelings and thoughts are genuine and that, their feelings matter, regardless of what I or anyone else believes, they are valid. I could potentially lose my child forever. When our children are younger, we tend to fix their problems or guide them in finding solution, but as our children grow older, in my opinion, we shouldn't try to fix their problems. Instead, we should be there when they need our advice. Parenting my adult children has been the most challenging role for me because I've made my fair share of mistakes and want to spare my adult children from experiencing the pains and struggles I endured. However, I also appreciate the learning and the growth I experienced, which have shaped me into the woman I am today. So no matter how much it hurts me to watch them struggle or face their own challenges, I understand that they are becoming stronger adults. And maybe at first they may not appreciate me standing on their sideline, but I'm confident they know I'm actually cheering them on for their strength and perseverance. There have been times when one of my adult children have found themselves in a very overwhelming situation and has reached out for help. The funny part is that that child apologized to me for reaching out. I told my child, there is no need to apologize, things happen and I'm always here for you. And yes, I'm talking about my son. He said, I know, but I remember growing up, you never had anyone to help you, you managed to figure it out. And I said, that's okay, son, as long as you have me, I'm always here for you and both of your sisters. So going back to flying out several hours to see my adult child, their spouse told me that they had a long conversation with my adult child and reminded them that they had contacted me to fly out because they needed support during this uncertain time, and that not speaking to me was unacceptable. I then reminded the spouse that you called me, and I showed up, like I said, I always would. I am here for you and my adult child and you are here for me, and that is all that matters. What is important right now isn't about what is acceptable or what we think should happen. It's about my adult child and their spouse's health. We need to set aside our thoughts and feelings about what we believe is right or what should happen right now, and recognize that there is a reason for my adult's child's feelings and thoughts. We should acknowledge what they are experiencing and support them exactly where they are, regardless of how we feel or my feelings. And when the time is right my adult child will talk about what happened, but we cannot push them to accept our beliefs because we have not walked in their shoes or live their life from their perspective. You cannot force someone to find healing when they're not ready. My in-law began to tear up and said, well, what about you? I said, again, it's not about me or my feelings. It's about coming together, showing our loved one through our actions, that we respect them and we are here for them by giving them space. Since my child's health was moving in the right direction and the hospital had planned to discharge them, I told my in-law that I would be flying home so that my adult child could rest comfortably in their own home. That night, I wrote a four page letter to my adult child, apologizing for some of the things I felt I should have done better while raising them both as a single mom and for where I believe my focus should have been. After all, everyone makes mistakes, especially when it comes to raising children. But in that letter, I reminded my child that if I had a chance to do it all over again, the only thing I would have done differently, were the things I identified in my letter. But not marrying the wrong man because marrying the wrong man had given me the greatest gifts, two beautiful children. The good news is that my adult child is home and is doing well. The bad news is that I had to put my own feelings on the back burner and focus on my child's feelings. I've learned that parenting adult children isn't easy, and it also comes with its fair share of challenges. Just because I'm the parent doesn't mean that I'm right and that my child's feelings should be dismissed or disregarded because I said so. And I know to some of you you might have a different point of view and that's okay. I'm focused on maintaining or having a long-term relationship with my children. I want all my children to know they can always come to me to talk about anything, even when the topic may be me and my parenting. If we maintain a non-judgmental open line of communication with our children, regardless of their age, they will feel comfortable discussing their thoughts and feelings. And if your child is not ready to talk, always remind them that you love them through texts or emails, and keep your arms open wide to accept them just as you would for lost prodigal child. So now it's your turn. How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your adult children or child? What are some of the challenges you've encounter? I really would love to hear them. If you want to learn more about today's topic, you can find additional information at createthebestme.com/ep142. I hope this episode is helpful for some of you who are wondering why parenting hasn't gotten easier as your adult children get older. Thank you for spending this time with me and remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best adult parenting relationship one step at a time. Thank you for watching. Catch you next week. Bye for now.