Create The Best Me

The Conversation That Makes Couples Want Each Other More

• Carmen Hecox • Episode 147

Share episode

Can one conversation really reignite intimacy? In this episode, “The Conversation That Makes Couples Want Each Other More,” I sit down with double-doctorate, board-certified sexologist Dr. Diane Mueller, also known as the Libido Doc, to break down why sexual desire changes over time and how couples can bring back lasting passion.

 Together, we delve into science-backed strategies for reviving libido in a long-term relationship, the surprisingly powerful impact of novelty (hint: it’s more than cliché roleplay), and the biggest mistakes couples make when discussing sex. We also reveal why “waiting for spontaneity” can hurt your connection and why planning passion with the “5:30 tweak” can transform your relationship.

 5 Key Lessons from This Episode

  1. Novelty Reignites Desire
    Small doses of newness, like changing environment, roleplay, or trying new methods, stimulate anticipation and dopamine, boosting passion in monogamous relationships.
  2. Arousal Precedes Desire for Many Women
    Don’t wait to “feel in the mood.” For women, body sensations and arousal often precede mental desire; intentional touch can spark libido.
  3. Open Communication is Essential
    Sharing needs, curiosities, and insecurities about sex leads to more satisfying and frequent intimacy. Happy couples talk about sex 92% of the time!
  4. Scheduling Passion Works
    Tired at bedtime? Schedule intimacy when energetic. Use the “5:30 tweak” for better planned passion instead of waiting for spontaneous moments that rarely happen.
  5. Confidence and Self-Knowledge Are Key
    Discover what feels good for you first. Self-exploration improves communication and connection with your partner.

 Music:  

Title: Ambient Music by MomotMusic 

 Call to Action:

Like what you hear? LIKE, COMMENT your thoughts, SHARE with someone who needs it, and SUBSCRIBE for weekly tips to Create The Best Me in midlife.

 📕 Resources: 

https://createthebestme.com/ep147

Dr. Diane Mueller: https://havehotsex.com 

Free Novelty Checklist:  https://mysexdoc.com

Free Libido Quiz: https://libidoquiz.com

youtube.com/@mylibidodoc

 Disclaimer:

This episode contains adult themes intended for mature audiences. The information is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice. Always consult a healthcare professional about your unique health needs. Guest views belong solely to Dr. Diane Mueller.

#DrDianeMueller #LibidoDoc #Libido #Intimacy #MarriageAdvice #SexualHealth #Midlife #RelationshipGoals #Monogamy #BodyConfidence #CreateTheBestMe #TheConversationCouplesNeed

📨 Newsletter:

https://createthebestme.com/newsletter/

👀 Connect With Me:

Website: https://createthebestme.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/createthebestme

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carmenhecox/

TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@carmenhecox
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@createthebestme

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/carmen-hecox

📽️ Video Request:

https://forms.office.com/r/LvLV1AsBfv

Quick heads up before we dive in. Today's conversation is about libido and building a healthy, monogamous relationship with your husband or partner. Some of the topics are intimate and may not be suitable for young viewers or listeners. Please use discretion. Have you ever looked at your calendar and thought we plan everything, why not plan passion? Stick around because by the end you'll know the simple 5:30 tweak that beats waiting for your partner to be spontaneous. We're also answering three big questions. Is once a week really the happiness line for couples? What do you do when your desire is at zero? How people, places and things, yes, like the hilarious role-play scene in Modern Family brings back the spark without breaking monogamy? Joining me is Dr. Diane Mueller, your Libido Doc. A double-doctorate, board-certified sexologist who helps long-term couples turn up the desire with science-backed tools and real life intimacy breakthroughs. Let's dive on in. Dr. Diane Mueller, oh my goodness, I can't believe I have you on the show. I'm super excited. Welcome to Create The Best Me. Thank you and it's gonna be a great conversation because I think part of creating the best parts of ourselves is looking at everything holistically and looking at what parts of ourselves are not being attended to. And you know, Carmen, 70% of people say they want to talk to their doctor about sex and their sex lives and don't. So we're in store, I think for a great conversation today. Yes, we are. So you brought up the sex, let's tell the viewers and listeners a little bit about who Dr. Diane is and what she does. So as we're saying sex. So I am known as The Libido Doc. I'm a double-doctorate board-certified sexologist. And my work and my passion is really helping long-term monogamous couples find their passion again. So I listen to a lecture a while ago, many years ago that really spoke to my soul by the founder of neuro-linguistic programming, Richard Bandler. And for people that don't know neuro-linguistic programming, it's kind of like this brain retraining program. And he was saying that when he first was engaged and was getting ready to get married, everybody walked up and told him, you better start having the best sex of your life now because after you get married it's gonna go downhill. And being somebody that's a brain retrain like he is, he had a great response, which is like, this doesn't make sense. You mean I'm gonna practice something over and over and over and over again and get worse at it? So a lot of my career around being The Libido Doc is this is really helping people from an education standpoint understanding that passion can get better with the longer we are together. And I'm really on a mission to help improve a million relationships. Because what we see is that couples that report the happiest in their relationships are intimate on average about once a week, and so many people are not doing that. They're not prioritizing that. So that's my work is really helping people prioritize their intimate life again. Oh my goodness, you are a woman after my own heart. Because I believe in monogamy. And I believe in trying to make it work as long as you can and work together to make it work. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And you know, I think one of the things is so often that we want that new relationship energy back. And you know, and I think that's what drives people out of monogamy oftentimes is like wanting like that experience. But you know, the thing is, is that we actually, if we look at the science behind what is happening in that new relationship energy versus like what is happening from a chemical perspective in the brain later on. In part, it's just a change in the way we are working with dopamine, our brain hormone, dopamine. And when we understand the science of how dopamine drives desire, we can actually bring that passion, that novelty, that newness, into our long-term monogamous relationships. But the problem is we're into society where 70% of people, like I introed with, wanna talk to their doctor about sex and don't. So people just don't know that this is possible and once we realize it's possible and there's steps we can do, now we have power. Now we can make change. So, where does the libido come from? And why did we lose it when we hit menopause? You know, I think in order to answer that question, I wanna start with like what is even libido and what is even low libido? Because I think that's like a fundamental thing to be able to answer your question is understanding that. So, you know, when we're saying libido, just so everybody knows, we're talking about our sex drive. But the funny thing is, even in medicine, we really don't know how to define what is low. So for example, like if I'm going to diagnose somebody with low libido, which in medicine we would call hypoactive sexual desire disorder, that crazy mouthful. And if I'm gonna diagnose with somebody with that, I would do that when somebody has come to me for six months in a row and reported I have low libido, I have low libido, I have low libido. And after six months I say, hey, now I can properly chart and diagnose you with low libido. Nowhere in a medical diagnosis is it actually saying, what is low, how much is normal, how much is not normal? So we don't even have a basis in medicine for people to actually understand like, am I on track, am I not? And I think this is why so many people find themselves like, you know, talking to their girlfriends around like, how much are you guys doing it? How much are you guys doing it? And like, oh, you're, you're once every couple months, so am I, we're good.'Cause we're just looking to figure out like what is normal. So, I base that on what the stat I said around once a week is where couples report their happiest. Because what we see in research is like if couples have sex more than once a week, it can do other things. It can help with anxiety, it can help with sleep. It can even build bone. I can talk about some of that research; so it can help with other things. But we don't see a big increase in relationship happiness more than once a week. but we see a big decline in relationship happiness less than that. So that once a week goal is usually where I say, hey, hey, there's some, you know, real, real negative implications if we're not prioritizing that. So that being said, to answer your question of where does it go, right, what happens to it? So in a long-term relationship, one of the things that, like I said that is, is driving the desire is that dopamine. So to back it up in talking about that new relationship energy. That new relationship energy is driven by dopamine and people have heard; dopamines have been getting like more conversation, it's more conversation. A lot of people have heard about dopamine and know it as like our reward hormone, our reward brain hormone. So you eat a piece of your favorite dessert, you have that glass of wine, you get to see your BFF, and you get this kind of boost of dopamine. But what's happening beyond that for dopamine, it's not just about that reward, it's about that motivation. So in the new relationship energy, this is how dopamine works. We meet the person. We exchange contact information and then it's like this anticipation of like, oh wow, they were so cute, they were so sexy. Are they gonna call? And in that anticipation where we're like, I want them to call, I want them to text; that Is dopamine being released. Dopamine being released, dopamine being released. And then they call and it's a bigger hit of dopamine. And then, okay, well, are we gonna have our first date? And the whole cycle returns. Are we gonna have our first kiss? The whole cycle returns. Are we gonna go on our first getaway? Everything we do, we're anticipating and we're getting that dopamine, and then we get that thing and we get more. We're, we're literally high on dopamine. And then we move in together or we share keys to each other's houses. And now we're like integrated in a way where that person is just kind of expect to be around. And we're, you know, maybe expecting that, yeah, we're gonna have dinner together and yeah, we're gonna hang out Friday night. And so now there's none of that anticipation. So yes, we still get the reward of seeing them, but that is such a minuscule amount of dopamine compared to that anticipation. So a lot of what is lost is that change in dopamine because now we have safety and security. We have stability, but we don't have this other thing. So a huge part of bringing that in is actually bringing novelty back in. And so I do a lot with novelty and monogamy around like how do we actually bring newness in? And then we bring in newness, you know, whether it's a change in position, whether it's a fun sex toy, whether we're gonna go rent a room for an hour, right. Which you can do at very classy places. It's not always skeezy places; whatever it is for novelty. Then once we create that, then we intentionally start our brain like thinking about it. Like, oh, what am I gonna wear? Like almost like we're dating and what am I gonna wear? It gives us stuff to flirt around like, oh yeah, I'm gonna do this and you're gonna do that. And we start building that anticipatory type of dopamine feeling in the same way that we did in the beginning. The differences in the beginning, because everything was new, we did not have to intentionally do that; it just happened naturally. Now that we know each other, we actually have to put intention into it and time and care and is not as natural, but we can still recreate that with those things. When you started to say that I thought about an episode of Modern Family. Where Ted Bundy's daughter is role playing with her husband at a bar. You know, he's supposed to pick up on her. And thinks there's a wrench in there and some guy tries to pick up on her. And they're trying to get rid of him because they're role playing and a bar so that they can go up to the room. So when you said that, I started like thinking, 'cause you know, they had older kids, but they're trying to keep that magic, that newness in that, in that relationship. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And you know, the way I, I categorize a lot of that newness for people

is like:

people, places and things. So if you're like, okay, well what do we bring in? And I have a checklist, so if people wanna do my novelty checklist, you can find my novelty checklist at mysexdoc.com. Total free checklist to download and trigger your ideas. But like easy ways to start thinking about this are in the categories, people, places and things. And so in monogamy, well, how do we create novelty under the people category? It's through things like role playing or dress up, or like another fun thing to do for anybody that studied things like archetypes, any of like Carl Young's type of work not using his archetypes. But other archetypes where it's like, oh, maybe I had the part of my personality, for example; somewhere buried deep inside that's a little more like innocent teaser, kind of like that playful, like, you know, cheerleader type of innocence. Maybe there's another part of me that is really just kind of like almost boss, like pissed off boss type of personality. And I'm just like pissed off at the world. And so we all have these different energies inside of us. And when we actually move our body and say, okay, well, what is it it like if I move my body? What is it like if I find that place inside of me that is innocent? And I show up from that place that never gets to have a voice. And what if that place gets to actually make love tonight? And how does that feel? So we can even do that kind of internally as well to create a different sort of experience. And sometimes I play that way with my partner and he'll even notice. He is like, okay what was happening. And be like, oh, well that was, this part of myself coming out. Um, it's really fun. But we think like people, places and things that's how we can start to categorize ideas. But you know, like men, I think men feel a little more comfortable talking about sex, talking about sex positions and so forth. And women tend to be a little bit ashamed to talk about it, maybe. So how do you get women to feel confident and know that sex is just part of building the relationship. About growing within that relationship; so that they can communicate to their spouse or partner, hey, I wanna try this. Or I need to reignite that libido. It is a very important question because we also see surveys that show that 92% of couples that report being happy with their sex lives, talk about it; 92%. So in order to have really great sex; in order to not be in this position where we're replaying the same kind of boring sexual script of like, we do this, we do that, we do that, bing bang, boom. We do the same four things over and over and over again. Which we tend to fall into as couples if we're left to our own devices, unless we kind of intercept that. So in order to do that, we have to talk about it. So then an answer to your question around like, well, what about like the shame we're feeling? Or anything else that's like limiting us from bringing it up? There's a few different things like that we can do to approach that. And one is if there is something like shame, which is very common. The question is what is the story underlying the shame? You know, shame can come from things that were said to us in childhood. How we were raised about sex. What we told sex was you know, dirty, those kind of things. What did we learn about in our sex ed class? Have we ever had a lover that was going down on us and said something weird about how our genitals look like? There's so many reasons for, for shame. And so we wanna figure out one, like is there a fundamental story or belief? And so definitely introspection around that can be really important. But I also find that, you know, shame in these feelings they live in the body. And a big sign that we are experiencing shame is if we are constantly checking out. Now some level of like, the brain's busy and like we're having sex or you're doing self-pleasure, and the brain like goes to the list and like, oh wow, why am I thinking about the grocery list? There's like some like normalcy to that that happens. But if it feels like, oh my gosh, just no matter what, like I cannot be present. It's like I bring my brain back and immediately I'm gone and I just can't stay present. That's a really important kind of data point, like whatever happens in is happening at that moment. Like is it when your partner's touching your thigh? Is it during penetration? Is it when you're neck being kissed,'cause is there anything that is like, oh, when this particular thing is happening is when you're kind of checking out.'Cause that can actually be information about where your body is storing some of that memory. And so when we are storing a memory around shame, there's an element usually of that fight or flight part of our nervous system taking over. It's like we don't feel safe and that's some of that checking out is like it doesn't feel safe to be in our body. And so some of repairing that is bringing breath and consciousness and that parasympathetic that rest and digest, I am safe part of my nervous system back in. So if we're noticing like, oh wow, I always check out in this act. Well, okay, how can I get, let's say every time a person's hand, your partner's hand is on your thigh, you realize like, wow, I'm checked out. Okay, so maybe there's some shame around your thighs. So then we would say, okay, well how close can you get to that spot and still breathe? And still, like take deep breaths and still stay present without your brain checking out? If your brain starts checking out, like, okay, now we're like too close to that spot, and we go a little bit away from that spot. And you start to just play with this on a self-healing way until you get to the point where it's like, oh, I can actually be present and stay present in that. So that's a huge, huge component of how to, to work with that. Mm-hmm. And how do you get both people to work together to build this new experience, to build this new relationship. Or, or not really build a new relationship, but to create a new relationship where you've been married, let's say, or, or together for 20, 30 years. Yeah, it's an important question. One of the ways is getting back on the same team. And how do we do that? And so it's important to understand and start to have conversations around what is sex and what is intimacy to each other, like what they provide, why they're valuable. And this is actually a great exercise for getting back on the same team. Because oftentimes if you ask a partner like, okay, well: What does sex? And what does intimacy provide? And why are you interested in it? And you might have one partner that's not interested in it. But if you ask the partner, that is usually you'll get answers such as: Well, I really feel connected to you. I really feel love. I feel stress relief. I just really like the feeling of pleasure. It helps me relax. It helps me connect to God or spirit. Like you'll have answers like this, and many more. And what's interesting is when we actually get behind, like what is sex providing? What is the intimacy providing? Most of the time the answers are things that both people want. Like, oh yeah, I do also want to feel connection. I do also wanna feel love. I do also wanna feel like stress relief. So then oftentimes what can help, and there's many different layers, so I'm just answering this as succinctly as I can in our time today. But another component with this is then expanding our definition for sex. So oftentimes, sadly, we're still in this society where we think of sex as penetration, right. And sex can be so much more intimacy and touch and sensation can be so much more than this. So when we begin to say, oh, wow, we are both interested in feeling deeply connected. Okay, well what are all the ways in the physical touch realm beyond intercourse? What are all the ways that we might feel deeply connected? And when we do what we're doing is we're expanding and saying like, oh, maybe when we're laying together naked and breathing together. Maybe when we're essentially massaging each other. Maybe when we're just looking into each other's eyes. Maybe when I'm giving you a foot rub. Maybe when we're co masturbating; like there's so many different things that can come from this. But the idea is when we start to expand that, what we're doing is we're actually realizing there there's more overlap then we think. And so then an entry point too, if people have been really, in, uh, disagreement, what we call desire mismatch. Is to actually find those commonalities to say, oh, there are places where we actually do want these same things, like the same values. We have the same desires. You might be after it through intercourse, and I might have these other ways. So what ways do we overlap that we can have like a starting point and then we can start building from there. But that first foundational step is like getting back on the same page. So we realize we're working together on this and we're on the same team, versus this kind of push pull around like, well, he wants sex three times a week and I want it once a month, so we're gonna settle on it every other week, and then nobody's happy. But there are some times where you have people to where they both lay in bed and they're just so dang tired. They're gone. Oh, a hundred percent. And this is another thing that I recommend because of that where I'm, like; we cannot, most of us, once we reach about the age of, you know, 30 something and beyond, expect that we are going to crawl into bed many times after a long day of work, feeding the kids, exercising, cleaning the house, and whatever else we did that day and crawl into bed maybe at 10 o'clock at night and all of a sudden think we're gonna be ready for sexy time. It's like, it's actually not really realistic. It's like trying to schedule a workout at that time of day. Like we're not, we know we're not gonna do that. And so I actually recommend couples schedule intimacy. And, you know, an important thing to consider here; and this is like what I call, um, value mapping. So is to write a list of your values, the top things that you most value. And hopefully your partner is right there at the top. And then you make a pie chart. And in your pie chart you have 24 pieces of pie for the 24 hours of the day. You are gonna put hopefully seven to nine of them for sleep; hopefully however many it is. And what you're doing is then you're writing in and you're looking at in real time, does your partner have a piece of the pie anywhere in your day where it's really just you and them? And just like, you know, the ways we track our sleep, the ways that we have the apps, we had to track our macros, all the different things that we do for health. There's that obvious thing around like, we track these things and it's like in our face sometimes the, um, impact. And so one of the big things that oftentimes this exercise does is it like all of a sudden flips the the mirror to be very in our face to say; wow, I value this person and I say, this person's one of my top values, but I actually don't have any place for them. And the only way that people with busy schedules largely make places for each other is to put in our calendar. And you know, sometimes they get resistance on this, Carmen, because sometimes people will say things like, but I just want sex to be spontaneous. And the thing of that is I have two things to say with that. So one is; just because you schedule it does not mean it can't also be spontaneous. Like if you schedule it, you can still have all the spontaneous sex that you want. It is not saying that that is out the window. But what it is saying is like I know every time something is like important to me, you know, attending my step kid's choir concert, going to the cross country meets like going to the gym. Everything that's valuable that I want to attend to has space in my calendar. And yet when it comes to our intimate life, which, you know, can be incredibly and should be incredibly valuable. Oftentimes, we just don't actually put it into our calendar. And so that's a huge thing, and I don't recommend putting it into your calendar at nine o'clock at night.

Like in our calendar, it's 5:

30 Friday evening and the kids are gone and we have our time. And that's like for sure when we are going to be making love, because then we have dinner, and then we do all the things right. But we start with our intimate life because at 5:30 we both still have energy. Mm-hmm. I love that exercise. Why I love that exercise is because when you're younger and your kids are really active, it is so easy to lose sight of that person that you, that, that you started this commitment with. Yes And, then the kids leave, they go off to college and whatnot, and then you're like, I'm in this house with this stranger. Exactly, and it happens all the time. And I think we just, you know, we think because we see each other and because there's that co-parenting and that co-delegating and that co-logistics person and you're having conversations. And you're still, Hi in the morning, Hi in the evening. I think it happens oftentimes without us even totally realizing it. And we just think like, we're at the sports games together and we're at this thing together, and so we're still there, but we're not like really, to there. We're co-parenting, we're co-housing, we're co doing the things. But it's very different to, to actually show up there. And, and another thing that happens, like if we don't prioritize this is this is where all like the little tiny baby microtrauma sneak into the relationship around like the things that are like, well, I asked them to take out the trash and they didn't. And I asked them three times and they forgot. And like those little things that are really not that big of a deal. And are just tiny little kind of holes in like the relationship love boat, you could say. And when we have like regular sex sessions as well as regular check-ins, which I also recommend, not all at the same time, but can be the same day. What we're doing is saying like, hey is there anything that you're holding onto this week that we wanna clear the air around. Because we wanna have those things when it's like, all I need to do to patch this is put this little tiny patch on the love boat versus these little tiny little nicks in the boat. And 20 years go by like you're talking about, and all of a sudden it's like this gaping hole of all these no big deal things that have now led to this huge story of disappointment, of betrayal and all of those kind of emotions. Mm-humm yeah.'Cause I know so many people that once the kids are gone, they get a divorce. And I'm like, oh my God, why would you do that? You invested so much time and energy getting to know this person. There had to have been some kind of fix that can be done. This is an outsider looking in because I believe in, in monogamy and I believe in trying to stay married till you both leave this world. Yeah, yeah. And I think it gets to a point though, like to your point of, I think a lot of it, there can be these major traumas, right. But I think a lot of it is like, for many people isn't like a major thing. Like yes, there's adultery, there's cheating, there's that sort of thing. And so there are reasons like that that happen. But I do think for many couples it's more what we're talking about. It's just these minor things after minor things, after minor things. And now we're fighting about what seems like a minor thing, but it's actually years of unsaid things. And you know, I think like most things can be fixable, but sometimes there is just so much hurt. And so much to unwind because it hasn't been addressed that people wind up deciding like; I don't even know where to begin to untangle this mess. And, and I just wanna start over. When, if we're proactive. It's the same thing, when like certain health conditions happen. Like, cognitive decline is a great example. Like, like we see with Alzheimer's and Lewy body dementia. Some of these types of dementia that are really scary. We see that oftentimes it starts with what's called minor mild cognitive impairments, and it's just like, oh, I'm just like, you know, my executive function's down. I might have a little brain fog. I'm forgetting things. Well, the medical community says when you have mild cognitive impairment, the answer, the solution is watch and wait. There's nothing to do from the conventional standpoint. So the idea is like you just wait till it gets bad enough, you can be on drugs. But, really with stuff like that, that's like the body's warning sign around like, oh, something is causing this. There's something that's inflaming the brain, so let's actually use this as a flag to say, let's figure it out. And and that's the same thing with a relationship we oftentimes are waiting until it's this crazy dementia with our relationship. Instead of saying like, oh wow, this is like, we got some holes in our boat. So let's schedule some time on a regular basis to actually put into our relationship so we stay strong. And I know, like for me, when I started HRT or bioidentical hormone replacement, they gave me too much testosterone. And because they said you have low libido, but they gave me way too much testosterone. I really thought I was gonna kill my husband. Yeah, yeah. So do you find that that sometimes helps is for women integrating testosterone, for men, possibly the blue pill. One of the things I want people to most understand about this is it's almost never just one thing. So we have this misunderstanding about finding root causes, that it's a root cause. And in 15 years of practice, I've never seen a single patient with a root cause. I've seen many patients, all my patients with root causes. So you know, with the testosterone thing, like I love HRT, I'm on HRT. HRT is wonderful and I think it can be very helpful. It can be, you know, there can be situations where people's hormones go way too high like you're talking about. Yep. Yeah, testosterone seems to be the one that tends to be like overdose the most I see. Like, in testing, I've seen crazy testosterone levels and I've seen high estrogen and progesterone levels, but never at the level of testosterone. So that does seem to be the one that gets, kind of spike sometimes way too high for people, but it can be wonderful. But it's also very common that women will be on, you know, something like this and, and sometimes men too, and their libido will go up and then three, four weeks go by and then all of a sudden their libido crashes again, yep. And that's, you know, it doesn't mean that the testosterone's not part of the problem. So like oftentimes when people will have this happen, they'll be like, well, I don't need the testosterone, I don't need the hormones, it didn't really work. That's not the right way of thinking about it. We wanna look at all the root causes, and if we have six root causes, we have six pieces of our root cause pie, and we only fixed one of 'em. Well, it's like you get that initial boost because the body recognizes the change, but you're not gonna really have that full level of balance until you get to all the pie pieces. The little blue pill is an important one to talk about because circulation is an example of many of the root causes. And if you guys want to learn more about the physical root causes too and how they can help you go take my free quiz at libidoquiz.com 'cause it'll give you these root causes we're talking about and which ones you have. And it'll give you a list of lab tests that you should ask your doctor about too, so you can self-advocate, that sort of thing. But with the little blue pill you know what we're doing there is we're bringing more blood flow to the erectile tissue of the penis; most commonly, sometimes women use it. Usually it's for men. But what's important to understand is the circulation issue we're talking about here is not just important for men. So men, because I think because it's very practically impossible for men to have sex without having an erection, right. Because of that, we emphasize the importance of circulation for men. But for women, in order for sex to feel good, we have to have blood flow to the genitals. You still get this engorgement just like the penis grows, the vagina lengthens. The tissue around there engorges and swells. And we just don't see it, so we don't realize that's important. And if we don't have that circulation to that tissue and that swelling of that tissue that engorgement with blood man is sex gonna hurt. So everybody thinks of like sandpaper sex as just being hormones and it can be. You know low hormones can cause sandpaper sex for sure, but so can low circulation. And I'll tell you one other thing here that is also like, hey, we're getting one gender involved, but we're kind of forgetting about the other half. So with circulation, like there's this emphasis on men but with pelvic floor function, there's this emphasis on women. So we have 14 muscles that make up the pelvic floor and kind of make this hammock at the bottom of our abdominal cavity; hold up our abdominal organs connect to a lot of our genital tissues. And when these pelvic floor muscles are either too tight or they're too lax, they're either kind of over contracted or under contracted, it can lead to a wide variety of libido and sexual issues. So women know this, right? This is like we're taught to do kegels, which kegels have their own problem we can talk about as well. But the important point here is that pelvic floor dysfunction can also lead to erectile dysfunction. So this is like where men were like hyper emphasizing the circulation. Women were hyper emphasizing the pelvic floor issues. And really we need to talk about both of these issues with both genders. Never knew that. So you were talking about kegels having another issue. Yeah, so how most of us are taught to do kegels is squeeze your pee muscles, right. So, two problems with this. One is, like I said, the pelvic floor is made up these 14 muscles. And so if we're only squeezing our pee muscles, we're not engaging the full pelvic floor. So we wanna squeeze our rectal muscles; like, we're like stopping a fart, that's important. We wanna work our abdominal cavity and our core. We wanna work our psoas. There's all these different like other movements that we wanna actually really do. So we're only emphasizing like part of the area. That's problem one. Problem two is we're thinking about these pelvic floor issues as always, from the standpoint as the muscles being like too stretchy, too loose, and we're like, we gotta strengthen them. Imagine going to the gym and working out and just constantly keeping your arm in a bicep curl and never ever, ever releasing it. It's all about the proper functioning of a muscle is about its ability to properly contract and properly relax. So oftentimes we're just focused on the strengthening, the strengthening, the strengthening. And for many women, especially if there's pelvic pain, a lot of pelvic pain can be from that over constriction and that over tightening. And that's why like things like vaginal dilators where you use something like a, you insert a very small device. Oftentimes the size of like a very small tampon that has like no applicator, like those OB ones so like really, really small, devices. And so what you're doing is you're trying to get the muscles to like, relax and soften and then use a little bigger one and a little bigger one, and a little bigger one. And the idea with that is the muscles are too contracted, and they're not relaxing. And so you can't relax enough to allow for insertion to happen. So, if we're gonna do kegels properly, we're gonna do those, but we're gonna consider a strengthening all these other muscles. And then we're also going to work on relaxing these muscles. And so, sometimes women have a hard time even finding these muscles. Like, okay, you can think about contracting your bicep as, how do you like think sometimes about like contracting and relaxing these muscles? So a nice activity that you can do as a woman is if you lay on your back, and you insert two fingers, intravaginal, and you can put them at different areas inside your vaginal canal. And then you do things like windshield wiper your feet point and flex your toes. And when you do that, you're actually going to be moving around the muscles of your pelvic floor so you can start to feel where they are with your hand, with your fingers, and that can start to reconnect the brain to that area. So like, oh, now I know where these muscles are. Okay, now let me feel into what it's like to squeeze 'em and relax 'em, because the brain starts to associate like this is where they are and this is how I engage or relax that muscle. So does this allow your body to naturally have more orgasms while you're intimate with your partner and or have more moisture?'Cause you know, as midlife we start to get really dry and you don't wanna have sex. You don't wanna make love, it feels like sex, not making love. Yeah, like I said, sandpaper sex is no fun. Nobody wants to have sandpaper sex and it can, right. So it's definitely like, absolutely can help with orgasmic contractions. The strength of the contractions, it absolutely can help with blood flow, which can aid in lubrication. And like any of these things, it's, you know, oftentimes one of many factors. So, just to come back to that too. And I know that we don't look like what we look like when we first got married, so our bodies have changed. And so some women feel it might be difficult to feel sexy. Because they don't feel like this is what sexy looks like, even though this is all you got to work with. Yeah, yeah. It's a really common thing, right. That women will say something and men too. But I hear this more from women around like, well, I'll be ready to have sex again when I lose 15 pounds; that sort of thing. And, and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart. Now I do think we want to work to be healthy, right. And that's for many different reasons, but sex included. So we wanna eat right. We wanna move our body, you know, all those kind of things. So I do wanna say that, you know, caveat around like make good choices'cause that will impact things. And yes like we can do all the choices we want and the bodies are going to change. That is part of life. And there's a huge connection in research with body confidence and libido, huge. And it makes sense, right. Because oftentimes if we're not feeling great about how we look, the idea of getting naked and the idea of like somebody touching us when we have these new roles and these new curves that we've never had before, it's like, sometimes very intense. So, what's like so interesting about this though, is we actually see research also that in order to improve body confidence, one of the ways we do that is more sex. Sex has been shown to improve body confidence. So this is one of the vicious cycles that we see so much in medicine and wellness. Where it's like, oh, like one thing happens, it's like we have or we've changed our body image and our body image isn't where it was, so we're not having sex, but we need to have sex to actually improve our body image. So then the question is how do we get out of that? And some of that is just by going for that. But some of it also I have found is to ask for our partner what we want to hear. And it doesn't mean we have to like talk about our insecurities. We can if that's valuable. But what we can say instead is like, you know, hey, I'm just really feeling the need to like hear that I'm beautiful in this way. And can you say this to me and can you say that in this way? And here's what's cool about sex too; is we are in a state where our brainwaves change, and we know from the science on meditation and hypnosis, when we drop into these like alpha, theta types of brainwave states, we're very suggestible. It's a great way to influence a subconscious. And I love working with this with my partner, where if something's bothering me in my life, my body, or whatever, it can be anything in my life. I will actually ask him and say like, hey, when we're making love and he'll do it, he'll wait till we're like really in it, and I'll specifically tell him what I want him to say to me to help me change my brain state. And, you know, there can be this initial feeling for people sometimes around like, well, I just want them to know, or I don't want have to ask for that. Nobody's gonna know. Oftentimes we don't even know. So us beginning to even know what we want is already a great first step. But we have to get away from thinking that somebody needs to know what we want or what we need, or what we need to hear about our body in order for it to be meaningful. And instead realize if they are willing to say, and we ask and they are providing that for us, that means they love us. That means they care about us. That means they're listening to us. That means they want us to feel everything they're saying. So we do need to change that belief oftentimes to be able to effectively get what we want. So for the listener reviewer who has listened to us right now and said, geez this all sounds really good, but I have no libido. And I have no idea where I left it along the way. What are three pieces of advice that you would give her so that she can begin to find it? So first of all, do the value pie chart thing. Because that is looking first of all for like, okay, first you need to find your motivation. So the motivation with that exercise is usually like, okay, I want to prioritize my partner because I want a healthy relationship. I want a long relationship. I wanna be, you know, growing old with this person and have, you know, have like the best life with them till we die. So whatever that looks like for you, step one, gotta find your motivation. Step two is actually realizing something that I have not said yet, which is, this is where a lot of women get very confused, is that for men, most commonly desire comes before arousal. For women, arousal comes before desire. So what is the difference? Desires of the mind. Arousals of the body. So desire is like, wow, my partner's so sexy, I just can't wait to get them in bed, right. Arousal is like, wow. I feel the sensations in my body and they feel really good. So again, desire, minds, arousal, body desires first for men, arousals first for women. Not a hard, fast rule, but most commonly, this is how it works. So for men the example is, oh wow, my beautiful wife walked across the kitchen and look at the way her breast bounce. She's so sexy. He has this thought, that's desire. Immediately blood flows to his genitals. If things are working correctly, then there's that erection and that erection is his body responding. So that's the arousal. For women, oftentimes they think their libido is low and men think women's libido is low. And there's this problem with desire mismatch because we're trying to get on the same page with our thinking. We're trying to get like be like, okay, but I'm not thinking about it. I'm not like horny, and that's what we're thinking we need to have. But for women, most of the time, arousal comes before desire. Meaning once she starts to feel enough sensation in her body. And once that's happened for long enough, oftentimes 20 minutes, and I'm not talking about like, you know, sexy foreplay. I'm talking about even just like sensual massage, feeling touch on your thigh. Kissing a little bit, or not just touch. Once you're feeling enough sensation in your body and your body starts to arouse, your body starts to be like, oh, this actually feels really good. That's actually usually when desire kicks on. So that's the example of like the woman basically being like, okay, well I'm gonna have obligatory sex tonight because I know it's good for my marriage. And then when it's done, she looks at her husband and she's like, that was actually really great. Why don't we do it more often? Right. And that is because she is waiting and they are waiting for desire to match desire instead of desire to match arousal. So step two, and like when you're asking me three steps, step two is really thinking about this and realizing this, and then self advocating and having these nights where like, okay, well take sex off the table but we're just gonna go and we're just going to have this night of playing with arousal. And it doesn't have to leave anywhere. It can just be sensual massages. There's no expectation of anything. And take that off the table and just allow your body to experience pleasure. And oftentimes, if you haven't had sex for a while, it's good to do this for sometimes even a month, having like, you know, weekly dates for a month, sometimes even longer. And just be like, okay, whatever, we haven't done this in a while anyway, so we're just gonna keep sex on the table for a second and just get back into our bodies. And sometimes you'll find that desire starts to kick back on once we realize that arousal comes first. Like we always, my partner and I I get so many great massages from him because we know that that's how I drop my day and get back into my body. And then you know, I'm more into having sex. And so the number three from that standpoint really is looking at your own body. Besides like taking the libido quiz that we talked about. And by looking at your own body, I would actually mean is touching your own body. And so we have to begin to understand what we like before we can begin to explain it to our partner. And like for example, and so for those of that are just listening here, what I'm doing visually is I'm holding up a picture of the clitoris. And a lot of people think it's just this tiny little nub, this like head that visual part that you can see. But the clitoris actually has these long legs. They kind of look like a wishbone and they extend under the pelvic floor and they go all the way; you'll find'em kind of under the labia minora, the inner labia, the inner lips. And oftentimes women don't even know, like they have all this pleasure sensation there. And sometimes you can have the best orgasms and sometimes you can have like the best experience. What we see from research on orgasms is it's a positive feedback loop. So the more pleasure the body starts to have, the more it says, oh, I want more pleasure. But you have to get over that hump initially to say, okay, well; again, motivation, this is why I'm doing it. Okay, I'm doing this because I want to maintain this with my partner, so therefore I'm going to start learning about my body and learning how to turn myself on so that I can begin to teach my partner. And then as you learn your body more, and as you start to have more profound orgasms, like my experience of orgasms is they just get better and better and better, and better and better with years, right. And as I'm going through perimenopause, I had a moment, I don't know, six months ago or so where it was like, where did they go? Like out of balance, lost them for a second and then had to, you know, change some of the things I was doing; 'cause my body's changing. So that can happen. But, in general, the more you know the body, the more capacity your body has for profound pleasure. So as you learn your body more and you start to have more profound orgasms. Then that usually kicks that desire on, because that's actually the chemistry of the brain is that when you get more oxytocin from orgasms, the brain is actually triggered to say, I like that so much, I want more. So, it's a matter of getting to know yourself personally as well. It has to be. It has to be. Yeah, we can't expect our partner to know. And another mistake I think people really get into too is if they've had other lovers, you know, prior to their partners is they bring in like, well I learned this over there and it worked, and they bring it into their current partner. And you know, it's like always like you know, worth like having a conversation. Like, okay, well this technique work or whatnot. But oftentimes we bring these things in from our sexual past into our partnerships and they don't always work. It's not like a plug, we're not plug and play, even though I think, you know, many people would wish we that we were. So it's not as simple and we have to know our own bodies. We can't expect anybody to know it, especially if we don't. That's great. I love that advice. So important. Yeah. Dr. Diane, for the woman out there that says, I lost my libido. I have no idea where to find it, but I need it for the sake of saving my marriage because I wanna die with this person. How can people learn more about you and even work with you so they can start to experience some of these things you talked about? Yeah. Well, I'd encourage you to go to havehotsex.com. And don't worry if you haven't had hot sex yet, we can get you there. But what you're gonna find there is you're gonna find a ton of free downloadable material, and that's a great way to start getting your feet wet. You're also gonna find tons of my favorite devices and discounts for that. For example, there's this amazing device called the Luxus. The Luxus is a wearable device that sits right on the clitoris and the man has a cock ring. And this, you know, might be a little advanced for some people, so don't worry if you're not here. But it's a way because he has a cock ring, and the cock ring has a magnet on it that stimulates the clitoral device. So you have to kind of see it to understand. And I have a video up that will walk you through it and talks about it more. But what it allows for is in multiple positions, the more that he's thrusting, actually the more clitoral stimulation you get through vibration. It is like the best thing for helping close the orgasm gap, waking up the clitoris and having more pleasure. So point being like you'll have all the freebies. You also see some of my favorite devices like that, all on havehotsex.com. You'll see my book on there as well, it's called Want To Want It. And then once you're on my website, you'll see tons of other additional information on courses I have, if you want more step-by-step guidance. But a great place to get your feet wet is really just go to havehotsex.com. And I saw that you also have a club or a membership. Yeah, My Libido Club which I also call The Hot And Modern Monogamy Club, because really helping people get away from like the concept of just like traditional monogamy, which has its values. But in traditional monogamy, we're all talking about like the structure and the stability. That's the good part. But, we've kind of left out the idea of keeping passion alive. So the idea of hot and modern monogamy is let's take all the great benefits of traditional monogamy, but let's just like add the passion to it. And that's really what we're doing with Hot And Modern Monogamy. And so in the club it's, a ton of step-by-step guidance for that. And then I interview experts in this world of sex and relationship around the world. And so there's new content that comes in from my experts multiple times a month as well. Hmm. And is it, private? So if my husband and I were members of the club, would we see other members? You can be, you can have your names, you can sign up anonymously. So it's totally up to you. There is discussion group and all that, but it's totally, you can come in, you can just say anonymous on your names. You can make fake names up. So it's a very, very easy way to protect your anonymity if that's important to you. So when you register, it'll just say, put your name and so you can write, you know, any name you want in there. It doesn't matter to me. Yep, Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I love everything you said. I think that this is something that every person, I don't care if you're midlife or before you're in midlife. You just got married. You've been married 10 years. This is important information. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience. Yeah, my pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's, I really appreciate you helping and supporting this mission, so thank you. Alright, I will include all of your information in the show notes so that people can have some hot love. Yes. Time to Have Hot Sex Again, or for the first time. Either way, time is now. Yeah. Alright. Thank you very much. Bye everybody. Alright, we promise answers, so let's close here. Research shows that the happiest couples tend to connect about once a week and dip them below that dents relationship satisfaction. If your desire feels MIA, remember, for many women, arousal comes before desire. Start with touch, breathe and body sensation and the mind usually follows. And that people place and thing, framework? It's a little novelty, new roles, new spaces, new consensual toys, rebuild, anticipation and dopamine inside relationships. Which brings us back to the 5:30 tweak schedule intimacy, when you still have energy. Then let the fun be spontaneous inside the plan. If you wanna learn more about Dr. Diane Mueller or connect with her, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep147. Come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you. Until then, keep dreaming big. Take care of yourself. And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself by scheduling your passion time with your husband or partner. Thank you for watching. Catch you next week. Bye for now.